Learning From Heartbreak

My thoughts are consumed. My heart is aching. My mind is still trying to understand, to make sense of where we are today and the events that have brought us here. Yet I am overwhelmed with so much praise for answered prayers, friends, family, and support through it all.

Bringing in the new year typically calls for resolutions, looking forward to what's ahead, and how you can make changes for the better.  While I didn't have any specific resolutions, I had planned to have my parents over for New Year's dinner and look back at 2014 and all the many blessings God had provided for us.  Brent and I didn't make it to 12:00 am for our New Year's Kiss. We were snoozing by 10:30 pm.  I went to bed with no anxiety, no worry, no fear.  It didn't even cross my mind that others were out partying in celebration of a new year to come.  I didn't even think to pray for the safety of those out and about.  I regret that I didn't pray, but would my prayers have changed the outcome? No, I doubt it, but I truly believe that the Holy Spirit intervened and offered words for me that night. Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

New Year's morning of 2015 will be a day that I look back on with both sadness and joy. When I went to bed on Dec. 31, 2014, I had no idea that I would wake up to such a nightmare.  I got the call at 4:43 am saying that my brother was the passenger in a bad car accident and had hit his head and was unconscious.  I jumped up out of the bed in a panic, threw some clothes on, brushed my teeth, and headed for the door. I met my sister-in-law at the hospital and we were escorted to the trauma family waiting room in the ER. We were there for what seemed like forever before the doctors came in.  He said Chris has two small brain bleeds at his right temple and they would be moving him to ICU as soon as spot became available.

 Okay a brain bleed.  He will be okay as long as it stops. Right? 


My sister-in-law went back to see him in the trauma bay, but his vitals began to get out of control so they sent her out.  The nurse came to give us an update that some things had changed. Chris had become combative and his vitals were dangerously high, which could cause further bleeding and damage so for his safety they had to put him on a ventilator and give him anesthesia.  

Everything is under control now.  He just has to rest so his bleeds will stop, and he will be okay.

Jan 1st Day 1 in ICU- Chris' vitals were stable. There were no real scares besides the fact that he was beat up, bleeding, and hooked to a ventilator.  So many people came to visit and show support.  The waiting room was full of people who love Chris. Today I stood beside Chris holding his hand and whispered a prayer, "God, please don't take him! Protect him. Heal him. Please don't take my brother. He's not ready." I grudgingly left that night in tears.  I didn't want to leave.

Jan. 2nd Day 2 in ICU- Chris remained stable overnight and through the day. The nurses seemed to think that he should make a full recovery.  Now that the initial shock of what had happened set in, my mind began to think "straighter".  I stood over his bed and praised God for protecting Chris and allowing him to be alive another day.  I prayed for healing and for the bleeding to stop. I prayed for God to allow me to see "life" in him.  All anesthesia was off and he had no pain meds.  The doctors wanted him to wake up.  He stirred around throughout the day.  My day was made when a life-long friend said to Chris, "Open your eyes and look at your sister, boy." He did just that for a brief second. Tears streamed down my face.  Those were tears of joy.  God loves me and cares about my desires so much that he allowed me to see that glimpse of life in my brother.  He wasn't out of the woods yet and I knew that, but he was alive another day. The goal for tomorrow...Get that Vent out!!!

Jan. 3rd Day 3 in ICU- Yet another good night.  Today was a great day.  Chris was off all medication, the vent was taken out, but he was keeping a high fever (they assumed it was from the head injury because there was no other signs of infection). They took a sample to test for infection and he was placed on an ice blanket to control the fever.  He was also very hard to wake up and would only stay awake for very short intervals of time. I'll take it as long as those peepers are opening and showing some life.  He uttered a few names in his "Batman voice" as he saw familiar faces.  I didn't want to leave his side because I didn't want to miss my chance of talking to him.

Jan. 4th Day 4 in ICU- The nurses were still having trouble controlling his temperature.  Results of the culture had not come in yet, but growth on it showed he did in fact have an infection (they later found to be staff).  He was still hard to wake up, but he was staying awake a little longer than the day before.  Today was awesome because I got to spend some alone time by his side. When I first walked in he said, "Tonya, you're beautiful. I love you so much." We argued for a while about who loved each other more.  I got to feed him so J-E-L-L-O and he said it was good...really good. He was very confused. He kept saying, "I must be really sick. huh?"  He knew most of the people who visited, but he was quite confused about all else.  He was now stable enough to move to a regular room on the neuro floor by the evening.

Jan. 5th GHS Neuro Floor- Chris was a lot more alert today.  He interacted with many of his visitors and recognized most.  He was still quite confused and having many episodes of not making sense.  He ate a little more today and his voice was back to normal.  They got him up to walk down the hall.  He was very off balance and his stride was very clumsy.  I think we all thought he would just get up and walk, but that's not what happened.  The doctors shared their findings today that Chris' injury was not as simple as it initially seemed.  What they thought were only 2 small brain bleeds later showed up to be a very, very severe traumatic brain injury that had damaged spots throughout his brain.  I knew nothing about a TBI before today.  They said that his recovery would take 6 months to a year and whatever progress he makes by that year mark will be his life-long state.  Tough pill to swallow huh?

Six months to a year! That's an incredibly long time. What about his business that he loves and worked so hard to establish? What income while he's in the hospital? What if he is never the same? What if he can't do what he loves again? How is he going to react when he can comprehend and remember his condition? Will he be depressed or determined? What will come of all of this mess? This is going to require so much hard work and dedication and support.  BUT...God is good. He is faithful. He will bring good from this tragedy. I must TRUST!

June 17, 2015

I had forgotten all about writing about the first few days of Chris being in the hospital, but I must confess that God led me back to this piece in His perfect timing to remind me of his power to do the impossible and His great love for me.  

It's amazing to look back at this tragic and seemingly impossible time just six months ago and see how far God has brought my brother.  He was deemed almost unintelligible on psychiatric testing and their prognosis was that he would probably never be able to work again.  Now six months later he's back at it, running his own business.  He is not quite the same Chris that he was before, and he's definitely much more forgetful. His eyesight is still not back to normal, but he is alive, fully-functional, able to provide for his family, and we get to have him here with us.  For that I am so grateful to my gracious God!  We weren't sure what the outcome would be, but God has certainly blessed him beyond measure.  Through blessing him God also blessed me with both my brother and a life lesson to remember the power, greatness, faithfulness, trustworthiness, and love of God!  

Things don't always turn out the way we expect or even the way we pray for them to turn out, but we must remember that God is able.  I don't know what IMPOSSIBLE circumstance you may be facing today.  Whether it be a relationship issue, financial troubles, health problems, depression, etc, please step back, listen, be still, and remember that He is God. Take time to look for Him in the midst of your storm.  Ask Him to help you to see and feel His presence.  Cling to the promises of His Holy Word.  God is there.  He's listening, watching, and waiting on you to call His name.  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

God, thank you for saving the life of my brother and preserving his ability to be fully functional as a business owner, doing what he loves.  Thank you for allowing this tragic circumstance to mold me into a stronger daughter of God.  I am so overwhelmed by your love for me and humbled for the little things you did along the way just to show me you were there hearing my prayers and to set my mind at ease.  God, I pray that you take the difficult circumstance that I am facing today and you provide and set my mind at ease.  I pray for my friends who are reading this piece right now that you pour out your grace and presence in their lives and whatever "impossible" situation they may be facing and you show them your power and love, just like you have shown me over the past 6 months.  May their hearts cling to your promises and may they spend extra time seeking you through your word so that they may have peace, understanding, and direction.  God, you are so good and we don't deserve you, but I'm so thankful that you freely pour out your grace in our lives day after day!  May my life glorify you today and everyday.  I love you, God.  Amen!

A Sincere Apology to Readers and the Cashier Having a Bad Day

Me too, girl, but I can't seem to clock out. Can you?

I had an error in judgement when posting my blog about my Walmart experience today.  I should have at least waited a day or two and went back and edited after the emotions died down, or at least on a better day.  So for all of you who took the time to read all of my blog, I'm sorry for posting those raw emotions for the world to see. I also did not realize that it could  be viewed as a form of personal attack or social vengeance on the cashier.  That's not me!  That's not what I'm about!  Any snarly comments or remarks were added for humor not as a form of attack, well maybe against Walmart itself, in all honesty:) One day I will learn that no amount of savings is worth a trip there! The lady was clearly not having a good day, and I completely identified with her because I wasn't either.  I do not know what she may have encountered before or after she clocked in, but what I felt led to share is the effect our words, actions, and gestures in the midst of our bad days can have on others.  Her words today were used as a tool to send me on a dark, downward spiral starting with my response, writing the blog in frustration, posting it on social media, and eventually using my words as ammunition against myself and leaving others to question my motives and heart and being down in the dumps and ill.  Not my intent at all, but perception and intent are two totally different things, and I failed to think through how my words would be perceived by others. Lesson learned!

The blog was simply a way to release my anger and play through what happened and learn from it. Walmart is truly what angered me. The lady's comment reprimanding the child that was with me just threw me over the edge. That's real life. We all get pushed to our limits.That's was I was trying to say...our words and actions can be life giving or life taking. My experience was simply an example that many mom's can identify with and how even though I love Jesus and seek Him daily, I too, fall short...each and every day. Some may look to me and think my life is perfect and that I have it all together, and I don't want my Facebook facade to deter anyone from thinking that they could never measure up and be a "good Christian girl" like me. I want people to see me as the beautiful mess I am. I want them to see that I struggle, fall short, make mistakes, and my kids misbehave. I am DESPERATELY in need of God's grace...DAILY! We ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God and that includes ME! It's much easier to identify with people who are real and don't pretend to be perfect. I'll admit I didn't prayerfully post this article, but as I wrote I did see what God was leading to say to moms and the public in general. Cut people a break, offer to help, smile at everyone, say hi, don't explode in your moment of weakness. It was clearly not the cashier's fault that Walmart doesn't have enough people running registers, doesn't have 3 seater buggies, or that I had to grocery shop with 3 children in tow, and I think she probably felt bad for saying something to the child after my matter-of-fact, less than gracious, but not quite rude response. I'm sorry that I was not more graceful with her because of my high stress level, irritation, and impatience. I wish I could do it over, but I can't. What I can do though is to ask someone I trust to edit emotional pieces of writing for me so that anything that could be taken out of context can be fixed and most importantly, I can take my own advice and offer grace in the midst of my stress.

So, friends, can you do that for me today? Can you extend grace and forgiveness for my lapse in judgment? I do not want any of you to view me as a social media personal attacker. I promise that I'm not one of those, nor do I agree with social media attacks and/or debates because I think they divide us more and sow seeds of bitterness and anger.

To the cashier, if you're reading, I'm sorry I was less than gracious. I'm sorry for whatever caused your bad day. Most of all, I'm sorry if you felt attacked or belittled by my previous post. I probably won't see you in Walmart again, but if you ever go to work at Target, I will try and remember to show grace, even in the tough times.

Your Friend,

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Mentally Drained No Longer Diva Mommy of 3 


P.S. If you didn't read my previous blog, good! I've taken it down.

Are You Too Busy?

One of my dear friends, DeAnna invited me to attend a free Lysa Terkeurst simulcast in Charlotte, NC to launch her new book The Best Yes.  Well, if you know me, free is my language, and this was the first time I had ever been to anything like this so I was pretty excited.  The experience certainly didn't disappoint!  I left just itching to get into her new book.

From the beginning I felt as if God was convicting my heart, but not because of having an overwhelmed schedule but because I have been wasting so much time and putting things off and even saying well, I'll never have time for that.  The truth is I have vowed since being afforded the opportunity to be a "mostly stay-at-home mommy" that I would keep my schedule as open as possible.  I'm not one who likes a busy schedule and that sort of thing stresses me out.  I like to have time to process from one activity to the next.  I have lived an extremely busy schedule from my sophomore year of high school, working & doing every extracurricular activity under the moon until the day I packed up my six years of teaching supplies from my kindergarten classroom to open this new chapter in my life.  I don't want to be the mom who rushes to pick the kids up from school to take them from one lesson to the next then on to their sports' team practices, rush thru the McDonald's drive-thru, shove unhealthy food down their throats, rush home to do homework and study, and finally put my kids to bed in pure exhaustion and frustration.  That scenario puts me in a panic just thinking about it.  While I want my children to be well-rounded and enjoy life, I also want them to know, without a doubt, what is most important...God and relationships.   Lysa said it well, "The decisions we make dictate the schedules we keep.  The schedules we keep determine the lives we live.  The lives we live determine how we spend our souls.  So, this isn't just about finding time.  This is about honoring God with the time we have."

Before anyone begins firing any negative comments at me, I'm not knocking anyone who is enriching the lives of their children by taking them to lessons, practices, and games.  However, I challenge you to ask yourself do your children know that God is the most important thing in life or would they answer with school, piano, dance, football, etc?  All of these things are great when balanced, but a hectic schedule where God and church just get fit in where there aren't any other plans on that day should be a red flag that you are living an overwhelmed schedule which will produce in you and your entire family and underwhelmed soul.

For instance I remember when I was in high school there were no sports practices, rehearsals, or school related activities on Wednesdays (during church times) or Sundays at all.  Today our culture doesn't discriminate on any day of the week and many teams say well, if you have to go to church, I guess you can't play.  So, what happens?  We give in to this "to be good, famous, worth something, & successful," you have to stay busy lifestyle our culture promotes. We choose to send them to practice or go to games with them instead of investing in their souls, their faith, and their salvation by going to church or youth groups.  What kind of message are we instilling in the lives of our children by doing this?

What about school?  As an educator I certainly think that school should be a top priority but not THE top.  That still belongs to the creator of the universe!  Sure every parent wants their kids to do well and make good grades in school but at what expense?   Should they miss youth group because they have too much homework?  Should they miss church on Sunday because they have a big test on Monday?  I think you already know my answer, but just in case...NO!  Teach your children to prioritize and not procrastinate.  Teach them to be responsible for their own actions.  If they choose to wait until Wednesday night to complete a project, send them on to church and allow them to face that lower grade for a late project.  If they wait until Sunday to study for a big test, take them to church and let them spend the rest of the day studying.

One more scenario I am seeing and hearing more and more of is..."Sunday is my only day off or Sunday is the only day I can sleep in or we've just been so busy and we're too tired to come." This isn't the once in a blue moon excuse.  It's the weekly, biweekly, or monthly excuse I'm referring to.  If you're too tired to come to church or to attend a church function, that's an indicator that your schedule is probably too busy.

Don't get me wrong, friends, I am not saying that there is NEVER an exception or that missing church on rare occasions is going to send you straight to hell in a hand-basket.  If it's just an unexpected, rare "thing," that's one thing, but if it is becoming a regular occurrence, we really need to self-evaluate.  I can already hear some critics whispering, "I don't have to go to church to be a Christian."  While you are certainly correct, we are saved by grace through faith and it's not of our own doing but is the gift of God, but the truth is Church is important to believers and it should be.  It's the bride of Christ.  Church is not a building we go to.  Church is the body of believers gathered together for one purpose, to spread the Good News of Jesus!

Let's stop allowing our schedules to rule us and let's rule our schedules.  Make sure there is time in each day for the unexpected or divine appointments.  Let's make sure our schedules exhibit what is most important to us.  Let's stick to schedules that honor Jesus.

Happy 9th Wedding Anniversary to my "Boo Thang"

I was pretty disappointed that I had the dreaded stomach virus on our 9th anniversary yesterday, but it did allow me to just lay around and think about how incredibly blessed I am.  I didn't get to go out and buy that perfect anniversary gift that I wanted to get, but in the end that "stuff" doesn't really matter at all.  What I have found that truly matters are the words, memories, and experiences that encompass these past nine years.  I'm not going to sugar coat it or pretend that it's been all sunshine and rainbows because if you know us, you KNOW without a doubt that would be a HUGE lie!  These past nine years as husband and wife may not have been easy and not always enjoyable, but they have shaped who we are both individually and as a couple.

Those words are easy to say, but yesterday I was really struggling with not having anything (even though we're not ones who give/receive extravagant gifts) to give Brent to say thank you and I love you.  This morning as I was listening to Pandora "If I Ain't Got You" played and the words made so much sense to me.

Through these nine years we have had many instances where we had to do without the things we wanted, skip vacations, cut the cable, tell our children no to things they want, and not give the gifts we want to give to one another and our family.  I know I have, many times, looked around and saw our friends going and doing and buying and felt envious.  Brent, I've wished we could go on that cruise, buy that big house, and even as simple as go on a date, but no matter how many vacations, dates, and how many square feet our home could be, if they meant not having you, I would choose you every single time! 

According to the American world view we don't have much.  We don't often splurge and enjoy the luxuries of life.  We cook at home because eating out with a family of five is ridiculously expensive.  We live in a home where we often feel crammed together and like we're bursting at the seams.  By worldly standards we'd be labeled as "poor" (not the homeless kind but the bless their heart kind), but, world, listen up because I want to tell you that we are not, nor will we ever be poor!  We may not have money, fame, or fancy things, but one thing we do have is love, REAL love. The kind of love that could never be bought with any amount of money, the kind of love that is not earned or deserved, but given freely, the kind of love that sacrifices the things we want and enjoy so someone else can be filled with joy, the kind of love that forgives the "unforgivable", the kind of love that I NEVER want to be without, and that is the love of Jesus!  My husband doesn't just love me because he wants to because I know there are days when he doesn't feel like loving me, but he loves me because that's what God commanded him to do.  Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." He loves me with an Agape love.  He loves me as Christ loves His bride, the church (you and me). 

They say you can't "live on love," but I beg to differ.  Love is the only reason I am truly alive.  God's love for me is what gave Him the strength to send His son into the fallen world to be ridiculed, tortured, and hung on a cross before His very eyes so that I (and you) could live.  Maybe you can't buy things with love, but I'm going to side with Alan Jackson on this one, "love can walk through fire without blinking. It doesn't take much when you get enough...living on love."  My heart is so full and my life is so joyful because of the man God knit together in his mother's womb and designed especially with me in mind for me to be his suitable helper.  He knew that "in this life there would be trouble," but He also knew that my husband would choose to be obedient to His command to love me wholeheartedly, sacrificially, and with everything he has.

 Brent, from the moment I met you playing backyard baseball at Alton's house I knew there was something different, intriguing, and special about you.  On our wedding day I thought I loved you more than I ever could, but the truth is as we grow and do life together on a daily basis, my love for you multiplies and consumes me more and more each day.   You are my gift from God on this side of eternity, made specifically for me so thank you for loving me so well.  There's never a doubt in my mind on any given day, good or bad, whether you still love me because you have told me and shown me every single day for the past 9+ years.  I hope you know how precious you are to me, and how proud I am to call you my "Boo Thang FO EVA".  Happy Anniversary Babe...Here's to many, many more!

Certainty Amongst Uncertain Times

Today was a typical Tuesday for me...Get up, get Camryn ready for school, drink my coffee, and do my Bible Study.  Sounds pretty good right? Well, that all fell apart when I hear someone at the door right around 8 am. I was quite alarmed because Camryn should be at school by now. Then, a key slides into the key hole. The door opens, and there stands my husband Brent.  "Why aren't you at work?" (me) "Well, they sent me home." (Brent) "Why?" (me) "You know that meeting we were supposed to have the other week? Well, we had it...Our facility is closing." (Brent)

Yep, punched in the gut!  Here we are on our path to freedom from debt by the end of year, but, instead, we are faced with the reality of being without our primary source of  income by December.  Definitely not the way I would choose to begin my Tuesday.  Many thoughts and emotions have went through my mind since 8 am.  I've had the why me, why now, feeling sorry for myself episodes as most people would have, but even in the midst of those episodes, God's word, truth, and promises were brought to the forefront of my mind.  Even as far as I would try to push them away in an effort to vast in my own misery for a few more moments, more verses just kept creeping up.  Soon, His word and truth overcame my negative thoughts that were centered around myself and my family and our needs and focused me on Him and His goodness, love, compassion, and mighty power instead of myself.

Now, I am at a point of feeling like a spoiled brat for complaining about a job in comparison to the many blessings I have.  I'm especially feeling pretty guilty for questioning God, the creator of the universe, as to why this is happening.  Now I'm at a point where I'm crying tears of shame and repentance.  It wasn't until I saw my pastor's response to the loss of Brent's job that those tears turned from shameful tears to tears of joy and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness, and His big picture plan.  His words were simply, "Exciting news! Watch what God does now."  You may be wondering why someone would call the loss of a job exciting news so I'll tell you why...We have been waiting on God's direction for Brent's career.  He's been applying here in there to open positions that fit his line of work, and there have been some promising call backs, but nothing has fallen into place for him.  That tells me that God is kicking him out of his current position, literally, and He has something so much better than we had envisioned for his career path.  I don't know what it is, but I do know that I can trust God to put all the pieces together.

I can't sit here and say that I'm not anxious or scared of the uncertainty we are facing because I am, but what I can say is that when I look back on the past year of my life, I can see where God was preparing us for this storm.  Never have I ever been more hungry for the word of God as I have been this past year, and I gained so much wisdom through my studies and I long for more of it each day.  Brent has grown so much spiritually over the past few years into an incredible man of God.  God has equipped the both of us with His mighty word.  He has surrounded us by an incredible body of believers who seek to serve at any capacity and who uplift us in prayer.  He has provided for our every need and we have never done without the necessities of life.  We have been blessed beyond anything we could ever deserve.

As I sat there and cried my tears of anger, frustration, shame, and joy, I imagined what God was feeling in those moments as he looked down on me, His beloved child, hurting and I could feel him hurting with me, catching my tears, and holding each one I shed in His mighty hand and I felt the most loved I have ever felt in my entire life.  The same God who was there in the beginning, the one who created the world and everything in it, the one who will have all bow down and worship Him was there catching my tears and reminding me that "He who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Satan doesn't like it when we seek and believe God for His word and promises and truth, and I know there is an incredible amount of spiritual warfare going on all around us right now, but I need not fear because MY GOD has overcome the world!  He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  He is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow.  He is upholding me with His righteous right hand.  His ways are pleasant and His paths are peace.  He is able to do way more than I could ever ask, seek, or imagine.   He is mighty to save!  He strengthens, equips, prepares, and carries us through the hard times.  God, get ready because I'm riding piggy back on this adventure!

 Here's a song that always resonates with my heart during the storms of this life...

"There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise you!"

The Most Proud Moment in the Life of this Mommy

My oldest child Camryn has always given me a lot to be proud of.  She is definitely the typical first born. You know overachieving, definitive leader (aka bossy), smart as a whip, little grown up.  She typically makes wise decisions and airs on the side of caution.  It's easy to make a mommy proud when you follow the rules and don't appreciate when others bend or break them.  However, last night trumps all my proud mommy moments.

Camryn has been in church her entire life.  She has been inquiring about what it means to be saved for several months now.  She never quite grasped what it meant and just went about her business once her questions were answered.  Last night as I was tucking her in and saying her bedtime prayers with her, she called my name just as I was about to leave her side.  She said, "Mommy, how do I get saved?"  Naturally my heart started beating really fast and I was filled with such joy at her question.  I sat back down and asked for clarification of her question to ensure she was asking what I thought she was asking.  Indeed she was.  She told me about her afternoon at Good News Club and how they asked if anyone wanted to be saved or if anyone had questions about being saved.  She said that she raised her hand because she had questions.  We sat and talked about what it meant to be saved, what it meant for her future, the steps that people have to take after they are saved, and how you become saved.  I think maybe I explained a little too much at one time for her brain to take in because at the end she said, "I think I'm just going to wait for the right time."  I called Brent in for back up and to share the good news of her questions.  He explained a little more and told her that there would never be a right time.  Finally God gave me just the words to say when I was out of explanations.  Those words clicked with her and she said, "I want to be saved, but I don't know the prayer to save me."  Of course there is no magic prayer to grant salvation, but I am so blessed to have been able to lead her in a prayer granting her eternal salvation through Jesus Christ.  I got maybe three words out before the tears started flowing.  Then I hear her sweet little voice trembling as she repeated the words after me.  As we finished and said amen, I felt her loving arms wrap around me and squeeze me so tightly.  I whispered in her ears the words, "I am so proud of you.  I promise that this is the best decision you will ever make!" 

As I let her go I began to think about what was happening in heaven at that very moment.  In my mind I pictured a glorious party with angels dancing and praising God for her salvation so I figured why not show her what the angels in heaven were doing.  Yes, this mommy was doing the "Cabbage Patch" saying Go Camryn. It's your birthday.  

Now I am not naive enough to believe that Camryn fully understands what it means to be saved because I didn't grasp the full meaning and the wisdom of my salvation until later in life, but that's just how it works.  In  Romans 10:9-10 it says, "That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."  That is where salvation begins...confession.  Then comes the road to wisdom.  Now we have the challenge (that I'm so happy to be a part of) to help in shaping and molding her into the incredible, beautiful woman of God that God has designed her to become.  I know there will be many trials, temptations, and worldly junk that she's going to encounter on that journey, but I am so thankful to know that God is right there with her upholding her with His righteous right hand and that, "...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (her) from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).  Psalm 37: 23-24 gives me confidence to know that He will finish the good work He began in her last night.  It says, "The LORD directs the steps of the godly.  He DELIGHTS in EVERY detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will NEVER fail, for the LORD holds them by the hand."  God has my girl's heart so I need not worry about a single detail of her life...that's His job!

As proud and as happy as I am, her earthly mother, I can just imagine the God who sent His one and only son to come and endure the cross for her sins smiling down on her weeping with joy and filled with fatherly pride, saying "SHE WAS WORTH IT".  She was worth it, I was worth it, and you, my friend (whoever you may be), ARE WORTH IT!!!  Have you taken that step and given your life to Jesus?  If not, will you take that step today?

P.S. To those who have taken any part in the decision my sweet girl made last night, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for investing in the life of my precious baby!  Because of you and your love for God, Camryn now has the promise and hope of an eternal life spent in heaven, "playing with God" (as she said).  I ask you to join me in prayer and pray for "her story" that God has already written and her obedience to His calling on her life.  Phil. 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in (her) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  

A special thank you to her amazing Good New Teachers who have really inspired, encouraged, and made sense to her this year (Michelle McClear and Mrs. Betty Jean Simms).  She adores you ladies and so do I!  Thank you to MIke & DeAnna Morris (you've done so much for the spiritual life of our family), Michael & Andi Williams (providing awesome lessons and Bible School and loving my children like your own), Our grow group (surrounding us with your friendship, love and kindness), "Mr. (Uncle) Chris" Gibson (you know you have a special place in this girl's heart...I couldn't think of anyone better!), Washington Baptist Church (for an amazing Good News Club and Awannas team), Danielle Owens (so, so much to thank you for, but today especially for picking her up from Good News and Awannas every week and loving her like your own), P.Collins (I know a seed was sown from you early on!), and anyone else who has shown my baby the love of Jesus!  Thank you!!!

Camryn, "I love you tttthhhhhiiisss much!"

The Dirty "J" Word...Judgement

My inspiration came from my Bible study this morning.  Today I encountered Matthew 7, and it deals a lot with the topic of judgement.  I was specifically drawn to verses 1 & 2, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  I originally began a Facebook status going a completely different direction, but something told me to just delete because God was telling me something else today, and I think He may even be telling someone else the same thing...Maybe it's you, maybe it's even just one specific person who needs to hear these words today, or maybe somewhere deep down inside, it's many of us.  Whatever the case may be, I felt led to share so here goes.

Let's go ahead and clear the air a little and be completely honest with ourselves for a minute. We are ALL guilty of casting judgement from time to time.  Whether it be in our hearts and minds, gossiping about someone else, or when we explode with a judgmental puke fest on someone when we're at our wits end.  Either way its a sin, in our minds or out in the open.  Maybe it's someone not disciplining their children the "right way" (AKA-your way).  Maybe it's walking into someone's house in disarray and thinking, "wow, this girl's a wreck just like her house!"  Maybe it's talking about how so and so doesn't cook for her family and instead stops at the drive thru night after night and leaves you saying how she doesn't love her kids like you do.  Maybe it's you looking at that person on drugs and saying, "what a dead beat.  How could they possibly choose a substance over the blessings God has given them?" Whatever it is, it's not right...(finger pointing at myself) 

Another glimpse into the judgment women cast is that they usually cast them to fellow women.  Why is that?

I don't know if it's completely a "woman thing" or not, but I know that many women struggle with comparison and it's usually one end of the spectrum or the other (in my experience).  It's either a woman who thinks that she has it all together and her way is the only way, or it's a woman who thinks that she stinks and everyone else has it all together so she tries and fails to be more like them.  The truth is, ladies, neither is correct!  Romans 3:23 says, "for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  Jesus also says in John 8:7, "...let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that none of us would be picking up that stone to throw it if Jesus was standing next to us verbalizing those instructions to us today. 

Whichever end of the spectrum you fall on, the results can be catastrophic.  For the woman who is constantly throwing her "wisdom" (AKA judgement) at others, she could be tearing down someone who is already believing the lie that she's unloved, ugly, not worth it, and questioning whether or not she's even necessary in this world.  For the one who is constantly judging herself against "Suzie Homemaker" down the road, she'll eventually come to the realization that she'll never be her or "Suzie Homemaker" will fail her by falling short of her expectations and/or could possibly lead her astray. There's definitely dangers to both sides.  Do you really want to be on either end?

So I ask you today, sister, which are you? Or can you find yourself identifying with both sides maybe in different areas of you life?  Whichever it is, let's start a new trend and kick comparison to the curb because the truth is as women we all have different struggles.  We have to hear what is expected of us from the world, from the size our brazier should be to the number we see on the scale as we grudgingly step on to it holding our breath and squinting our eyes all while hoping to see the "right" number.  We can all identify with one another in our feelings of inadequacies so let's stop pretending we have it all together and be real with each other.  Let's stop condemning one another for not doing it "my way" or not prioritizing things "the way I would."   The truth is, friends, God created us all to be unique so that we could serve His purpose in this world.  Being unique means that we are going to be different, we're going to prioritize differently, we're going to discipline our children differently (which is going to keep that unique thing going), and some of us (hold your breath) are not going to care a lick if our house is utter chaos.  Let's embrace those differences instead of judging them. Lets reaffirm one another instead of adding yet another insecurity to a lady's life.  Let's vow to encourage our sisters in Christ  and live out Ephesians 4:29 ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.").  When you feel the need to be critical or judgmental stop yourself, confess your thoughts to God and choose to instead encourage your sister because you have no idea what she may be facing.  Let's not put the off-brand band-aid of putting someone else down to make ourselves look and/or feel better because we all know those off-brand band-aids don't hold very long so that wound is going to start bleeding out sooner than later. 

Challenge:

• Make a commitment to write a woman an encouraging note once a week just to uplift and reaffirm her.
• When you start to hear those judgmental thoughts running through your head, stop right then and confess them.  
• Before confronting anyone with judgments and/or criticisms, spend much time in prayer and self-examinations to determine whether your motives are indeed honorable.  If not, confess it and leave it at the cross.
• Be an encourager whenever possible. Be real with your girlfriends and don't pretend  like you have it all together.  We shouldn't expect perfection from one another, but we should expect love and support from those who we identify so closely with!
• Let's revolutionize the way women respond to women!