God's Impeccable Timing

I've been doing a Proverbs study with the youth at our church and as much as the hubby and I decided on this study for their needs, it has surely gotten "all up in my grill."  He does that, you know, uses something we think we're doing for someone else to impact our lives much more than we expected. This is week 3 in the study and my first realization was that I was not actively seeking Him daily.  I was in a dry season, spiritually.  I wanted to and had intentions to, but I allowed other stuff to interfere and I lazily spent a few moments with him each day.  If I want to lead a life of wisdom and be the woman God has called me to be, I have to work for it and intentionally seek Him through prayer and the study of His word.  In order to walk, talk, and live in truth, we MUST KNOW the truth.  To know the Truth, we must know the Word of God.  To know the Word of God, we must read the Word of God.

God knew some difficult circumstances that I would be facing, and I firmly believe that he has guided each step to get me digging into his word more intentionally on a daily basis.  He has placed some amazing people into my life who have spoken words of wisdom and reminded me of God's promises to me.  They have stopped in their tracks and prayed for me, with me, and over me. God loves me so much that He continues to pursue me even when I neglect to pursue Him.  Bottom line is that He LOVES and proverbs 10:12 says "love covers all wrongs." 

Today has been one of the most emotionally draining days I've had since the end of January.  I've cried so many tears for so many loved ones that I don't think there are any more tears to cry.  My head is pounding from all the times I've wept. My heart is consumed with grief, heartbreak, hurt, inability to understand, failure, worthlessness, hopelessness, and LOVE.  Wow, wait that one doesn't fit, or does it?  Indeed it does, and I'm so thankful that is able to remain in my worn heart.  Because the Holy Spirit lives in me, that LOVE remains and allows me to press on, and eventually overcomes all those other raw emotions. It's not an immediate thing and sometimes it takes a lot longer than I would prefer, but it ALWAYS happens.  

How does it happen and how is it possible for one dim light in the midst of all the darkness to eventually take over and turn everything to light?  The answer is because of Jesus.  Because Jesus gave up His life for me and you, because He was blameless, white as snow, and righteous, because He suffered an unimaginably brutal death that we deserve, because He took His last breath on the cross and said, "It is finished," because three days later He arose from the grave, because His LOVE for us and His Father, He conquered death and has over come the world, so that we can have HOPE.  His LOVE offers us HOPE in the darkest of times.  His unconditional LOVE has already won the battle for us.  His LOVE provides a promise to NEVER leave us or forsake us.  His LOVE has paved a way for us to be cleansed from all sin so that we can have an eternal relationship with the Father.  

In the midst of my tears and sobbing I remember stopping in the middle of my negative, self-condemning thoughts and begging God to flood my mind and overwhelm my heart with His Word and His Truth. Today the LOVE that remains in my heart spoke clearly in my darkness and reminded me that I am of great worth, that I am fully-equipped, that I am strong, that I am fearfully & wonderfully made, that I am more than my mistakes, that hard times are going to come, but God is always with me, upholding me with His righteous right hand, catching every tear I cry and assuring me that He works all things for my good because I love Him and I am called for His purpose. He brought these verses to mind that I have studied, applied to memory, and leaned on many times before.  These verses offered hope to my hopelessness and helped me to see the light of LOVE.  Did my tears turn to laughter?  No, but the hope I was offered through the powerful Word of God gave me the strength & confidence I needed to get up, brush myself off, and move forward.  Had I not studied His word and sought Him intentionally, I would not have been equipped and prepared for this raging storm. "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12  God's word was my weapon of defense today, against my own evil thoughts.

It wasn't until later in the evening after I had diligently sought Him out through His Word and prayer and still felt like something was missing, and I couldn't seem to shake my anxiety about the whole situation that I came across this sweet prayer from Lysa TerKeurst on Facebook that spoke directly to my aching heart that longed for a solution, a way to mend the broken pieces.  

"Be still my runaway heart…
Be still my desire to fix things…
Be still my anxious thoughts…
Be still and know without a doubt, God is.
God is the answer.
God is the solution.
God is the desire met.
God is what I am looking for.
God is what I need.
God is God.
Be still and know."

-Lysa TerKeurst

This is what my heart longed to hear.  This is what I needed to say to God. I read the prayer over and over and it was as if God wrapped His big, strong arms around me, held me tightly, and whispered, "I love you, my precious daughter. I am here, and I know exactly how to fix this...just be still and be confident that I will!" I was amazed at God's impeccable timing, and I felt so special to know that God cared about my hurting heart. I felt LOVED.  The LOVE I felt eventually wiped away the hurt feelings and hopelessness of my situation. That love reminded me that I'm called to forgive and live as if I'm forgiven.  The LOVE of Jesus that lives in me "covered all wrongs" and allowed me to press on, one day at a time.  God is faithful and He is able.  Allow His LOVE to help you.

Learning From Heartbreak

My thoughts are consumed. My heart is aching. My mind is still trying to understand, to make sense of where we are today and the events that have brought us here. Yet I am overwhelmed with so much praise for answered prayers, friends, family, and support through it all.

Bringing in the new year typically calls for resolutions, looking forward to what's ahead, and how you can make changes for the better.  While I didn't have any specific resolutions, I had planned to have my parents over for New Year's dinner and look back at 2014 and all the many blessings God had provided for us.  Brent and I didn't make it to 12:00 am for our New Year's Kiss. We were snoozing by 10:30 pm.  I went to bed with no anxiety, no worry, no fear.  It didn't even cross my mind that others were out partying in celebration of a new year to come.  I didn't even think to pray for the safety of those out and about.  I regret that I didn't pray, but would my prayers have changed the outcome? No, I doubt it, but I truly believe that the Holy Spirit intervened and offered words for me that night. Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

New Year's morning of 2015 will be a day that I look back on with both sadness and joy. When I went to bed on Dec. 31, 2014, I had no idea that I would wake up to such a nightmare.  I got the call at 4:43 am saying that my brother was the passenger in a bad car accident and had hit his head and was unconscious.  I jumped up out of the bed in a panic, threw some clothes on, brushed my teeth, and headed for the door. I met my sister-in-law at the hospital and we were escorted to the trauma family waiting room in the ER. We were there for what seemed like forever before the doctors came in.  He said Chris has two small brain bleeds at his right temple and they would be moving him to ICU as soon as spot became available.

 Okay a brain bleed.  He will be okay as long as it stops. Right? 


My sister-in-law went back to see him in the trauma bay, but his vitals began to get out of control so they sent her out.  The nurse came to give us an update that some things had changed. Chris had become combative and his vitals were dangerously high, which could cause further bleeding and damage so for his safety they had to put him on a ventilator and give him anesthesia.  

Everything is under control now.  He just has to rest so his bleeds will stop, and he will be okay.

Jan 1st Day 1 in ICU- Chris' vitals were stable. There were no real scares besides the fact that he was beat up, bleeding, and hooked to a ventilator.  So many people came to visit and show support.  The waiting room was full of people who love Chris. Today I stood beside Chris holding his hand and whispered a prayer, "God, please don't take him! Protect him. Heal him. Please don't take my brother. He's not ready." I grudgingly left that night in tears.  I didn't want to leave.

Jan. 2nd Day 2 in ICU- Chris remained stable overnight and through the day. The nurses seemed to think that he should make a full recovery.  Now that the initial shock of what had happened set in, my mind began to think "straighter".  I stood over his bed and praised God for protecting Chris and allowing him to be alive another day.  I prayed for healing and for the bleeding to stop. I prayed for God to allow me to see "life" in him.  All anesthesia was off and he had no pain meds.  The doctors wanted him to wake up.  He stirred around throughout the day.  My day was made when a life-long friend said to Chris, "Open your eyes and look at your sister, boy." He did just that for a brief second. Tears streamed down my face.  Those were tears of joy.  God loves me and cares about my desires so much that he allowed me to see that glimpse of life in my brother.  He wasn't out of the woods yet and I knew that, but he was alive another day. The goal for tomorrow...Get that Vent out!!!

Jan. 3rd Day 3 in ICU- Yet another good night.  Today was a great day.  Chris was off all medication, the vent was taken out, but he was keeping a high fever (they assumed it was from the head injury because there was no other signs of infection). They took a sample to test for infection and he was placed on an ice blanket to control the fever.  He was also very hard to wake up and would only stay awake for very short intervals of time. I'll take it as long as those peepers are opening and showing some life.  He uttered a few names in his "Batman voice" as he saw familiar faces.  I didn't want to leave his side because I didn't want to miss my chance of talking to him.

Jan. 4th Day 4 in ICU- The nurses were still having trouble controlling his temperature.  Results of the culture had not come in yet, but growth on it showed he did in fact have an infection (they later found to be staff).  He was still hard to wake up, but he was staying awake a little longer than the day before.  Today was awesome because I got to spend some alone time by his side. When I first walked in he said, "Tonya, you're beautiful. I love you so much." We argued for a while about who loved each other more.  I got to feed him so J-E-L-L-O and he said it was good...really good. He was very confused. He kept saying, "I must be really sick. huh?"  He knew most of the people who visited, but he was quite confused about all else.  He was now stable enough to move to a regular room on the neuro floor by the evening.

Jan. 5th GHS Neuro Floor- Chris was a lot more alert today.  He interacted with many of his visitors and recognized most.  He was still quite confused and having many episodes of not making sense.  He ate a little more today and his voice was back to normal.  They got him up to walk down the hall.  He was very off balance and his stride was very clumsy.  I think we all thought he would just get up and walk, but that's not what happened.  The doctors shared their findings today that Chris' injury was not as simple as it initially seemed.  What they thought were only 2 small brain bleeds later showed up to be a very, very severe traumatic brain injury that had damaged spots throughout his brain.  I knew nothing about a TBI before today.  They said that his recovery would take 6 months to a year and whatever progress he makes by that year mark will be his life-long state.  Tough pill to swallow huh?

Six months to a year! That's an incredibly long time. What about his business that he loves and worked so hard to establish? What income while he's in the hospital? What if he is never the same? What if he can't do what he loves again? How is he going to react when he can comprehend and remember his condition? Will he be depressed or determined? What will come of all of this mess? This is going to require so much hard work and dedication and support.  BUT...God is good. He is faithful. He will bring good from this tragedy. I must TRUST!

June 17, 2015

I had forgotten all about writing about the first few days of Chris being in the hospital, but I must confess that God led me back to this piece in His perfect timing to remind me of his power to do the impossible and His great love for me.  

It's amazing to look back at this tragic and seemingly impossible time just six months ago and see how far God has brought my brother.  He was deemed almost unintelligible on psychiatric testing and their prognosis was that he would probably never be able to work again.  Now six months later he's back at it, running his own business.  He is not quite the same Chris that he was before, and he's definitely much more forgetful. His eyesight is still not back to normal, but he is alive, fully-functional, able to provide for his family, and we get to have him here with us.  For that I am so grateful to my gracious God!  We weren't sure what the outcome would be, but God has certainly blessed him beyond measure.  Through blessing him God also blessed me with both my brother and a life lesson to remember the power, greatness, faithfulness, trustworthiness, and love of God!  

Things don't always turn out the way we expect or even the way we pray for them to turn out, but we must remember that God is able.  I don't know what IMPOSSIBLE circumstance you may be facing today.  Whether it be a relationship issue, financial troubles, health problems, depression, etc, please step back, listen, be still, and remember that He is God. Take time to look for Him in the midst of your storm.  Ask Him to help you to see and feel His presence.  Cling to the promises of His Holy Word.  God is there.  He's listening, watching, and waiting on you to call His name.  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

God, thank you for saving the life of my brother and preserving his ability to be fully functional as a business owner, doing what he loves.  Thank you for allowing this tragic circumstance to mold me into a stronger daughter of God.  I am so overwhelmed by your love for me and humbled for the little things you did along the way just to show me you were there hearing my prayers and to set my mind at ease.  God, I pray that you take the difficult circumstance that I am facing today and you provide and set my mind at ease.  I pray for my friends who are reading this piece right now that you pour out your grace and presence in their lives and whatever "impossible" situation they may be facing and you show them your power and love, just like you have shown me over the past 6 months.  May their hearts cling to your promises and may they spend extra time seeking you through your word so that they may have peace, understanding, and direction.  God, you are so good and we don't deserve you, but I'm so thankful that you freely pour out your grace in our lives day after day!  May my life glorify you today and everyday.  I love you, God.  Amen!

A Sincere Apology to Readers and the Cashier Having a Bad Day

Me too, girl, but I can't seem to clock out. Can you?

I had an error in judgement when posting my blog about my Walmart experience today.  I should have at least waited a day or two and went back and edited after the emotions died down, or at least on a better day.  So for all of you who took the time to read all of my blog, I'm sorry for posting those raw emotions for the world to see. I also did not realize that it could  be viewed as a form of personal attack or social vengeance on the cashier.  That's not me!  That's not what I'm about!  Any snarly comments or remarks were added for humor not as a form of attack, well maybe against Walmart itself, in all honesty:) One day I will learn that no amount of savings is worth a trip there! The lady was clearly not having a good day, and I completely identified with her because I wasn't either.  I do not know what she may have encountered before or after she clocked in, but what I felt led to share is the effect our words, actions, and gestures in the midst of our bad days can have on others.  Her words today were used as a tool to send me on a dark, downward spiral starting with my response, writing the blog in frustration, posting it on social media, and eventually using my words as ammunition against myself and leaving others to question my motives and heart and being down in the dumps and ill.  Not my intent at all, but perception and intent are two totally different things, and I failed to think through how my words would be perceived by others. Lesson learned!

The blog was simply a way to release my anger and play through what happened and learn from it. Walmart is truly what angered me. The lady's comment reprimanding the child that was with me just threw me over the edge. That's real life. We all get pushed to our limits.That's was I was trying to say...our words and actions can be life giving or life taking. My experience was simply an example that many mom's can identify with and how even though I love Jesus and seek Him daily, I too, fall short...each and every day. Some may look to me and think my life is perfect and that I have it all together, and I don't want my Facebook facade to deter anyone from thinking that they could never measure up and be a "good Christian girl" like me. I want people to see me as the beautiful mess I am. I want them to see that I struggle, fall short, make mistakes, and my kids misbehave. I am DESPERATELY in need of God's grace...DAILY! We ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God and that includes ME! It's much easier to identify with people who are real and don't pretend to be perfect. I'll admit I didn't prayerfully post this article, but as I wrote I did see what God was leading to say to moms and the public in general. Cut people a break, offer to help, smile at everyone, say hi, don't explode in your moment of weakness. It was clearly not the cashier's fault that Walmart doesn't have enough people running registers, doesn't have 3 seater buggies, or that I had to grocery shop with 3 children in tow, and I think she probably felt bad for saying something to the child after my matter-of-fact, less than gracious, but not quite rude response. I'm sorry that I was not more graceful with her because of my high stress level, irritation, and impatience. I wish I could do it over, but I can't. What I can do though is to ask someone I trust to edit emotional pieces of writing for me so that anything that could be taken out of context can be fixed and most importantly, I can take my own advice and offer grace in the midst of my stress.

So, friends, can you do that for me today? Can you extend grace and forgiveness for my lapse in judgment? I do not want any of you to view me as a social media personal attacker. I promise that I'm not one of those, nor do I agree with social media attacks and/or debates because I think they divide us more and sow seeds of bitterness and anger.

To the cashier, if you're reading, I'm sorry I was less than gracious. I'm sorry for whatever caused your bad day. Most of all, I'm sorry if you felt attacked or belittled by my previous post. I probably won't see you in Walmart again, but if you ever go to work at Target, I will try and remember to show grace, even in the tough times.

Your Friend,

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Mentally Drained No Longer Diva Mommy of 3 


P.S. If you didn't read my previous blog, good! I've taken it down.

Are You Too Busy?

One of my dear friends, DeAnna invited me to attend a free Lysa Terkeurst simulcast in Charlotte, NC to launch her new book The Best Yes.  Well, if you know me, free is my language, and this was the first time I had ever been to anything like this so I was pretty excited.  The experience certainly didn't disappoint!  I left just itching to get into her new book.

From the beginning I felt as if God was convicting my heart, but not because of having an overwhelmed schedule but because I have been wasting so much time and putting things off and even saying well, I'll never have time for that.  The truth is I have vowed since being afforded the opportunity to be a "mostly stay-at-home mommy" that I would keep my schedule as open as possible.  I'm not one who likes a busy schedule and that sort of thing stresses me out.  I like to have time to process from one activity to the next.  I have lived an extremely busy schedule from my sophomore year of high school, working & doing every extracurricular activity under the moon until the day I packed up my six years of teaching supplies from my kindergarten classroom to open this new chapter in my life.  I don't want to be the mom who rushes to pick the kids up from school to take them from one lesson to the next then on to their sports' team practices, rush thru the McDonald's drive-thru, shove unhealthy food down their throats, rush home to do homework and study, and finally put my kids to bed in pure exhaustion and frustration.  That scenario puts me in a panic just thinking about it.  While I want my children to be well-rounded and enjoy life, I also want them to know, without a doubt, what is most important...God and relationships.   Lysa said it well, "The decisions we make dictate the schedules we keep.  The schedules we keep determine the lives we live.  The lives we live determine how we spend our souls.  So, this isn't just about finding time.  This is about honoring God with the time we have."

Before anyone begins firing any negative comments at me, I'm not knocking anyone who is enriching the lives of their children by taking them to lessons, practices, and games.  However, I challenge you to ask yourself do your children know that God is the most important thing in life or would they answer with school, piano, dance, football, etc?  All of these things are great when balanced, but a hectic schedule where God and church just get fit in where there aren't any other plans on that day should be a red flag that you are living an overwhelmed schedule which will produce in you and your entire family and underwhelmed soul.

For instance I remember when I was in high school there were no sports practices, rehearsals, or school related activities on Wednesdays (during church times) or Sundays at all.  Today our culture doesn't discriminate on any day of the week and many teams say well, if you have to go to church, I guess you can't play.  So, what happens?  We give in to this "to be good, famous, worth something, & successful," you have to stay busy lifestyle our culture promotes. We choose to send them to practice or go to games with them instead of investing in their souls, their faith, and their salvation by going to church or youth groups.  What kind of message are we instilling in the lives of our children by doing this?

What about school?  As an educator I certainly think that school should be a top priority but not THE top.  That still belongs to the creator of the universe!  Sure every parent wants their kids to do well and make good grades in school but at what expense?   Should they miss youth group because they have too much homework?  Should they miss church on Sunday because they have a big test on Monday?  I think you already know my answer, but just in case...NO!  Teach your children to prioritize and not procrastinate.  Teach them to be responsible for their own actions.  If they choose to wait until Wednesday night to complete a project, send them on to church and allow them to face that lower grade for a late project.  If they wait until Sunday to study for a big test, take them to church and let them spend the rest of the day studying.

One more scenario I am seeing and hearing more and more of is..."Sunday is my only day off or Sunday is the only day I can sleep in or we've just been so busy and we're too tired to come." This isn't the once in a blue moon excuse.  It's the weekly, biweekly, or monthly excuse I'm referring to.  If you're too tired to come to church or to attend a church function, that's an indicator that your schedule is probably too busy.

Don't get me wrong, friends, I am not saying that there is NEVER an exception or that missing church on rare occasions is going to send you straight to hell in a hand-basket.  If it's just an unexpected, rare "thing," that's one thing, but if it is becoming a regular occurrence, we really need to self-evaluate.  I can already hear some critics whispering, "I don't have to go to church to be a Christian."  While you are certainly correct, we are saved by grace through faith and it's not of our own doing but is the gift of God, but the truth is Church is important to believers and it should be.  It's the bride of Christ.  Church is not a building we go to.  Church is the body of believers gathered together for one purpose, to spread the Good News of Jesus!

Let's stop allowing our schedules to rule us and let's rule our schedules.  Make sure there is time in each day for the unexpected or divine appointments.  Let's make sure our schedules exhibit what is most important to us.  Let's stick to schedules that honor Jesus.